After our weekly Saturday watch of GBBO, tiny Paul and tiny Mary and I had ginormous cravings for doughnuts. It’s the kneading that always puts me off, though - but guess who’s got two thumbs and just bought a big ol’ Magimix with a cheque from their dead father? (Wait, that joke didn’t turn out quite how I intended.)
Likewise, the recipe didn’t turn out the way I’d intended. We started off on Justin Gellatly’s doughnuts, but the dough was so dense that the Magimix just gave up half way through the recipe. With a sad face, I spent the necessary 400 hours cleaning the machine and left the scraped-out dough in a bowl on the side. #foodhygienetothemax
This morning - fine, this afternoon; I’m having a beyond-hideous time with my hormonal contraception (oh, I’m sorry, you *didn’t* ask?) and my moods, appetite, and sleeping patterns have gone completely haywire, so I’d tucked myself back into an empty child’s bed at 7am and been left to sleep until noon by my magical family - the dough had swelled and crusted slightly, and smelled enticing. We agreed to experiment. And it was worth it.
Pseudo Churros (serves 6)
7g dried (not instant) yeast + 2 tbsp warm water
500g strong white bread flour
60g + 50g golden caster sugar
10g salt
4 large eggs
zest of half an orange
150g water
100g dark chocolate
50ml + 250ml double cream (that’s one small tub)
50ml whole milk
2 tbsp golden syrup
750ml sunflower oil
3 tsp ground cinnamon
Mix the dried yeast and warm water. Let that brew for a little while. If you have a hardcore mixer, throw in the flour, sugar, salt, orange zest, eggs and water (warmish, too) then the yeasty water-mix, at the very last moment. Turn the mixer on. Justin Gellatly recommended mixing it for 8 minutes, but mine broke down before even 2 minutes were up. Maybe I managed 4 in total, between turning it off, cleaning the dough off the spindle, then turning it on briefly before it got jammed again? So mix for about 4 minutes, maybe a bit more if you can. If you don’t have a mixer, I suppose you have to just knead it like a human, on a cool surface. After the kneading and mixing, stick it in a bowl, cover, and leave somewhere room temperature overnight.
The next day, it should look like my hungover face: pale, puffy, and slightly crusty. Mmmm. Distract yourself from that simile by making the chocolate sauce. In a bain-marie, melt the chocolate (broken up into pieces), and add the milk, cream and golden syrup. Keep stirring and stirring until smooth and dark and fully mixed together. Try not to eat it all while ‘testing it’.
Heat the oil in a saucepan (recipes tend to say 'a heavy-bottomed saucepan’, but I wasn’t about to hammer a decent pan with boiling oil. Can you tell I’m nervous about boiling oil? I was about to throw the family out of the house to wait at the side of the road with some foil blankets, rather than risk them coming into any kind of contact with the BOILING OIL). Anyway, it’s fine.
While the oil is heating, beat the cream, and put that and the chocolate sauce into little serving bowls. FYI, tiny serving bowls are my spirit animal, this year. Je les aime.
Heat the oil in a saucepan, until a little bit of dough you’ve broken off from the dough-bowl fizzes and rises to the top, turning golden in thirty seconds or so. Once you know the oil is ready, pull pieces off the dough - it doesn’t matter if they’re misshapen; in fact, I strung mine out and pulled them between my fingers to get nice long, thin churros-esque pieces, but there were also fatter, puffy pieces. I put in two or three at a time.
Once the pieces are cooked, puffed and golden, remove to a piece of kitchen roll. Drain them there for a moment, then roll on a plate covered with the mixture of 50g of golden caster sugar and 3tsp of cinnamon until it’s pretty much coated. Cook the whole batch, pile up on a plate, and serve with the chocolate sauce and whipped cream.
Jesus Christ, that’s so good.